What's up with this life?!

Yeah, so, just what is going on in this life anyway?

Divorced, lost more than one job, unstable with sleep and eating. Seems like such a disaster. So unstable and ungrounded. Not really happy yet not really so unhappy either.

Yeah, I don't want to sugar coat anything. It's not a good idea to avoid the truth.

I don't know really what to say. I don't know why I'm so unstable and ungrounded.

However, I don't worry about it either. Should I?! Sure I'm concerned about my life. I want to feel happy, solid, content with life. I'm not though. But lots and lots of people who are unhappy, not solid, and not content with life don't have the same history as I do.

I find answers in Buddhism. So many things make so much sense. I have to admit though that I don't get solutions from Buddhism. Having said this, I also admit that I don't really practice with the utmost sincerity and determination. Having said this (!) it does seem to me that with the sincerity and determination that I have brought to my practice (= my life) I should be getting better results than this. I have no intention of giving up Buddhism.

Looking back on the past, I see that there have been times when I've lived under someone else's rules and guidelines and been fine. I didn't have so much difficulty in the Navy doing what I was supposed to do. (I didn't do a good job on my job, but that's another story.) What I'm referring to is the lifestyle. The rules and everything. I was okay with it all. And there've been times when someone has told me to eat only this and that for this many days. When we've been in close proximity of each other, I've been fine for the most part.

I feel that what I need is regimentation from the outside. The Santi Asoke group gave plenty of this. Yet there was so much freedom. The regimentation from the Asoke group was more like guidelines. You choose to follow the guidelines. If you don't choose to, and you are too far out of step, then there are consequences. I was never that far out of step. But my eating and sleeping behaviors were not stable and solid. Not by a long shot.

I do feel that the temple here will be better for me. I also understand that if there isn't sufficient motivation, something that comes from the inside, then whatever ideal, perfect regimentation won't amount to a hill of refried beans.

I'll know more soon. Then I'll post another entry. Now it's time to do a bit of packing and make some food.

I'm not discouraged about my life. I see this move as a positive thing. Getting fired was ... well, it may have been nothing more than a measure taken by my boss to defuse the problem with that girl's mother. I should've have mentioned in the first of these three entries that the girl's mother pulled her out of this school, and her son too. She demanded a refund, which my boss has refused to give. And most worrisome to my boss is that she said she'd post negative things somewhere on the internet about me. That'd smear my boss' school, giving him a bad reputation. So, perhaps he sort of had to fire me in order to help placate this woman. He told me that at least one other student's mother has said that this sort of behavior is typical of this woman.

I'm not taking this one incident so hard. All things considered though, of course I see a pattern, a "rut" in my life that is certainly a concern. I am not worried though. Not worried.

I believe that everyone can thrive in life. I haven't found my niche. I haven't found my place in the sun. Maybe I never will. Maybe I'll jump from this to that and all over "looking". I don't have any interest in getting a regular job. And in so far as history is an indication of the future, then a regular job isn't going to do me any good any way.

Counselling? May very well help. But in addition to psychiatrists, don't we also pretty much consider counsellors to be shrinks? If so, is this generally justified or not? In general, do counsellors really do many of their patients any good? I'm more interested in having a Buddhist as a counsellor.

Allright, enough. Now it's time to get on with other things.
Troy.