ups and downs at work

HIYA!

Work life has been quite a challenge lately. Man. Students just don't repsond like I feel they should. I need to accept that. I was getting really frustrated. And angry. This led to difficulties with my bosses (the man I call my boss, and his wife, who is the legal owner of the school, and indirectly, a boss).

He and I've had a few talks. I know I shouldn't get angry with the kids. I know they don't understand. I also feel that we adults don't understand but that's a whole different story. (One quick note on this is that I feel that education is tantamount to hammering, bashing, and pounding a square into a round hole.) The last teacher didn't last but a few months because he was too angry with the kids. I don't want to go that route. Really don't. I know that I've got to do something different with this anger toward the kids. This gets so incredibly frustrating though.

I do everything that I can to not get upset. But man o man, you should see the circus in some of these classes, the contempt I get from most of the students in one class, and the deathly silence that other classes smother me in. How in hell can anyone see the charm in these kids? I do, honestly. Actually, I really do see it often. But only in the younger ones. The 10 year olds and younger. Once they get older than this, many many of them start getting clever and just shitty in many ways.

I have all sorts of things to tell myself why I should not get upset with them. When I'm mindful of myself, I do much better. But there are times when I get pretty wound up and then lose it. I snap.

I refuse to quit. I have set myself a solid goal that by the end of my one year I'm going to be just fine with all this. My goal is that there will be nothing that the kids can do to throw me off balance. I will not get upset with any of them, ever, for any reason. I don't feel I've set myself too-high-a goal. I don't see that this is easy for me, but not impossible either. I have every intention.

And when I compare how I am these days with how I was in the first month plus, I see that I'm in better spirits these days with the kids. Part of it has to do with settling in to the routine and becoming familiar with it all. Part of it has to do with being in better control of the material and more comfortable with it and so with myself. Part of it has to do with knowing the students better. There are lots of factors in this improvement.

The most important one though is the internal one. I have the intention to not get upset. Not for any reason.

I'll write more in a minute specifically about difficulties with my boss.

Troy.